Anchorcide 101, Chapter 3

     In the continuing story of people looking for ways to help snakes find me and have me for dinner, the producers of CBS-8 This Morning managed (again!) to get me and a snake in the same county. See photo above from earlier this week.

    The only reason I am able to write this blog post is that I strictly obeyed Tim's Rules for Snake Distances:

Distance "A": This is the distance most snakes can leap from a slithering still position. Note that it ends short of my face, and I am therefore probably safe. Maybe. The really big snakes can jump only shorter distances, but they will crush your bones if they do hit you.

Distance "B": This is the least distance you should keep a decoy from you. The decoy is supposed to look more like a snake gourmet dinner than you. This fella is from the Montgomery Zoo, so he may have treated himself with special Ball Python repellent and be useless as a decoy....but I figured I could always push him into the snake's path, which brings us to...

Distance "C": this is the most direct line between you and the killer snake. All killer snakes know this, somehow, and can fire themselves like an arrow along it, especially if they are lazy snakes and don't want to make a leaping attack as displayed in distance "A".
     The only reason I survived CBS8TM that day was the professional handler they sent along kept a good grip on the viper's thrusters (see below). I had to bribe her to do it, but it was worth it. I didn't want the show producers seeing me writhing on the floor in the grips of the only killer ball python in existence. It would make too good a lead story for the Noon show.